Mambo Italiano
by Lady of the Lost and Found
Summary: Fay and the Boys are back and this time they're getting dragged to a wedding...an Italian wedding that is. Will the Boys be able to get through the ten course meal and deal with Fay's relatives and come out in one piece? Let's find out shall we? Salute!
1. Chapter 1

**Greetings Sportsfans!**

**_O_kay folks, I know I mentioned this in a chapter of Little Fighter and here it is, Fay and the Lost Boys go to an Italian wedding! Man I miss writing about Fay and the Boys and even though this story won't be long at all I really hope you enjoy it. I wanted to call it **"The Lost Boys: Cutural Learnings of Italians for Make Benefit the Glorious Cult of Vampires" **but it was just too long a title. So instead I settled for the other one. **

**I've always wondered what the Boys would be like when tossed into a situation or world that they've never ever had any contact with before. How would a bunch of pot smoking hair metal Californian teen vampires handle a full-blown off the scale Italian wedding? Well folks, here's what I've come up with and it's sure to be a real hoot!**

**Happy Reading!**

_A boy went back to Napoli because he missed the scenery  
The native dances and the charming songs  
But wait a minute something's wrong…_

"Remember what I told you. No one goes to the bar until we've made the rounds to all the aunts, uncles, cousins and paisanos. Remember to answer questions vaguely and if some of my relatives start talking to you in Italian, smile and nod as if you understand what they're saying. They flew in half the family on both the bride's and groom's side for this thing, so don't worry if you don't understand a word of what's being said. People will be talking in dialect for most of the night so even I won't know what they're trying to say." Fay quickly told David, Dwayne, Marko and Paul as they pulled up to the banquet hall in a car that Fay had borrowed for the occasion from one of her long-time dancer partners. Just the idea of arriving to a full-blown Italian wedding on motorcycles was practically a sin and seeing that Fay's entire family was going to be at this thing, the boys didn't want to draw _any _attention to themselves whatsoever.

"Holy friggin crow…this place is packed!" Paul exclaimed from the backseat as they all peered out the windows of the car and gawked at the huge array of cars that were stuffed every which way in the extensive parking lot.

The place was, by law, allowed to hold up to 300 cars but judging from the fact that there were cars packed on the grass lawn, around the large gurgling fountain that was a replica of some famous fountain in Rome, and along the two-way street _on both sides_, it looked like that law was broken big time.

"How many people did you say are going to be at this thing?" Marko asked Fay as he elbowed Paul to the side so that he could see over his head. He and Paul had been to a total of one wedding in their lifetime so far, and that had been a few years back when a cousin of Marko's had gotten married. It had been a fair sized wedding of just over a hundred and fifty people but that was nothing compared to what they were seeing now.

"The last time I checked it was over 600 people. That was two months ago." Fay replied as she quickly snapped open her clutch purse and pulled out a tube of lipstick and a tiny hand-held mirror. Fay quickly touched her face up as David carefully eased the car into the packed parking lot, frowning as he quickly scanned the lot to see if there was an available parking spot within walking distance. There wasn't.

"Just pull up to the doors and let me out. You're gonna have to park it on the road because you won't find anything here. This is what happens when you boys take your sweet time. I told you we'd be late and I bet you that the antipasto bar is already picked clean." Fay murmured as she pressed her lips together to make sure that her lipstick was smooth and even.

Dwayne rolled his eyes from where he sat wedged in a corner with Marko sitting between him and Paul in the back seat. "It wasn't as if we could have arrived an hour before Fay. The sun didn't go down until 6."

"Yeah but you guys took forty minutes getting ready. I told you last night to make sure to have your stuff ready to go so that when the sun did go down you'd all be ready in ten minutes." Fay said as she glanced over her shoulder at Dwayne while putting her make-up away. "Why don't you ever listen to what I tell you?"

"Chill Fay. You took two hours getting ready." Paul pointed out as he tore his eyes away from a group of twenty-something women that had just arrived at the front entrance and were dressed to the nines.

"Yeah because I had the time. You think that this hair could be done in half an hour? Ha!" Fay snorted as she carefully patted her up do to make sure it was secure. With 43 bobby pins and a layer of hairspray an inch thick coating her head, Fay's hair was about as stiff and secure as a suit of armor. "Okay let me look at you."

Fay craned her neck around as she carefully scanned the four vampires with a critical eye. This was a huge Prima function that the boys were technically gate-crashing because of the lack of formal invitations so Fay had to make sure that they looked the part in case they had to blend in and vanish from sight. All four boys were dressed in half-decent suits that they wouldn't be caught dead in at any other time and they were all scrubbed, spit-polished and groomed within an inch of their undead lives. Gone were the earrings, facial scruff and chains. Instead they were wearing ties, wristwatches and, if you can believe it, cufflinks.

David and Marko had hacked off their longer locks because Fay had told them exactly what would happen to them if they tried to get in sporting mullets and the end result wouldn't have been pretty, even by vampire standards. Their hair would grow back by the next evening so it was a sacrifice they were somewhat willing to make. Dwayne's hair was tied back, not because it was acceptable for him to go waltzing in with long hair, but because there hadn't been enough time to cut it. Paul's hair was more problematic because it had taken the four of them plus Fay to attempt to tame his wayward mane and unlike his blood brothers Paul had put up a huge fuss when Fay tried to get near his head with a pair of scissors. So instead they dunked his head in a vat of hair gel and did their best to make it somewhat presentable.

Looking at them Fay could not recognize them from their usual head-banging, motorcycle riding images and because of that she smiled. If she couldn't recognize them as a bunch of marauding bad-ass vampires then no one could…at first glance. That would probably all change however once they opened their mouths but Fay was hoping that they would remember what she had drilled into their heads over the past two weeks and not say anything that would give them away.

"You boys look good." She grinned as David stopped the car in front of the front doors.

"Do we really have to wear these monkey suits?" Paul complained as he tugged at his stiff collar and scowled, not enjoying the idea of wearing a tie in the least bit.

"For now yes. Give it until the fish course before taking off the suit jackets. By then everyone else will have had enough wine to get them more comfortable with each other. That's usually when all the men start to loosen up without having their wives jump down their throats." Fay chuckled as she glanced at herself once more in the rear-view mirror before she opened the door and carefully stepped out.

"I'll wait for you here. And don't take all day trying to find a parking spot." Fay reminded David before she closed the door and stepped away from the car. Before David could say something snarky Fay was hugging and kissing an older couple that were by the doors as well.

"Tell me again why we're doing this?" David asked Dwayne as he pulled from the curb and drove back onto the street in order to park the car.

"We owe it to Fay. She's covered our asses more times than we care to admit and even if we refused to go she still would have dragged us along. At least this way she won't be able to blackmail us later on for not doing anything for her." Dwayne grinned a toothy grin as he fiddled with one of his cufflinks.

"Whatever. But I'll say this; I'm staying as far away from her cousins and aunts as I possibly can. Even if it means standing outside for the entire thing. Debt or no debt I am not dealing with those devil women." David growled as he cut off an old man and stole his parking spot. He ignored the frustrated honks as he put the car in park and shut off the ignition.

"Whatever man, I just got two words for you. Open Bar. I don't care if the devil himself comes walking in, I am getting hammered tonight." Paul chuckled as he tugged at his tie and loosened it a bit.

"Likewise." Marko wholeheartedly agreed as he gingerly touched his hair, still put off with the feeling of having short hair, even if it was temporary.

"Well I'm going to be the one playing the errant knight saving her from her relatives while you guys get friendly with the bar tender so consider yourselves lucky." Dwayne snorted as he opened the door and stepped out. He couldn't get over the number of cars that were parked around them. Over 600 people were going to be in attendance tonight and a good number of them were witches like Fay but unlike Fay they didn't take kindly to vampires. Dwayne was going to have to keep a close eye on Paul and Marko just in case things got out of control but Dwayne hoped that they wouldn't. As for David, well there was nothing Dwayne could or would do about him. David didn't want to be here and was most likely going to brood in some corner for the entire night with a bottle of wine and a bottle of scotch. Dwayne didn't blame the guy and he knew how incapable David felt about being around so many Primas. He didn't get along with one so how the hell was he supposed to handle four dozen? Dwayne had made Fay swear not to bother David at all for the duration of the reception and surprisingly Fay had agreed without so much as a side comment. Dwayne just hoped it stayed that way for the rest of the night.

"Well here goes nothing. And remember, if something happens or someone figures us out get out of there fast and we'll all meet here." David warned the three of them as he glanced warily at the brightly lit hall as if sizing up a dangerous opponent.

"We know David. Relax man, stop being so uptight about it. It's just a huge party and it's free. What more could you want?" Paul chuckled as he clapped David on the shoulder and shook him slightly. When David glared at him Paul just laughed. "You never know, you might actually enjoy yourself tonight"

"I highly doubt that." Came David's dry reply as the four of them headed towards the hall to where Fay was waiting for them.

Like them Fay was dressed in something she never would wear outside an occasion such as this but unlike the four of them, Fay was done up as if she were going to some sort of gala. The long black evening dress barely brushed the floor because of the three inch stilettos she was wearing and the neckline was cut low enough to look elegant but not low enough to really put on a show, as if she would ever wear something so provocative in public. It was an Italian wedding and there was a code of ethics to follow and one of the rules was to look as fancy as one could without looking trashy or gaudy and without overshadowing the bride, which was why no one aside from the bride herself wore a white dress. To have a nicer dress than the bride would mean instant shunning and rebuttal from every aunt, grandmother and mother-in-law in the place. Like that was what Fay really needed to worry about at that moment.

"So you boys ready?" Fay asked as she adjusted her silk shawl and gave them a beaming smile as they approached the doors. Fay had used about half of all the make-up she owned in order to make them look like the living and she was happy that her skills with the blush brush had paid off. In the intense light from the reception hall, the boys didn't look any different from any other guy with the exception of their piercing eyes, but there wasn't anything she could do about that.

"Lead the way Fay. There's a shot of whiskey already waiting for me in there." Paul grinned as he opened the door and held it open for Fay.

"Why thank you. I never knew you had manners." Marko snickered as he stepped past Paul and nudged him in the ribs.

"There's a lot you don't know pal, oh watch your step." Paul said with a devilish smirk as he casually put his foot out and tripped his best friend just as he entered the banquet hall.

"Please tell me they're not going to be like this all night." Fay muttered to Dwayne out of the corner of her mouth as she led them past the coat check and into the main reception hall where a huge line-up of guests where waiting to give their congratulations to the bride and groom and meet the wedding party.

"I would but then I'd be lying." Dwayne replied as he offered Fay his arm, which she instantly accepted. Paul started to snicker when he saw this but a quick look from David quickly shut him up for the time being.

"Okay she's my third cousin Maria from my mother's side and she married a Sicilian named Alberto who everyone calls Al. There are twenty two people in the bridal party but you don't have to worry about them. Let me do the talking and just smile and shake hands." Fay informed them as they edged closer towards the bride and groom who were greeting their guests by three long tables covered in silver platters filled with traditional homemade Italian cookies. There was another long table across the room which was filled with small gift-wrapped boxes that instantly caught the boys' attention.

"Hey Fay, what are those?" Marko asked as he motioned towards the gift covered table.

"Those are the bomboniere." Fay said as she smiled and waved to a cousin she spotted down the line.

"The what?" David asked as he eyed the people in the room, taking note of anything out-of-the-ordinary. He wanted to keep tabs on Fay's magical relatives so that he could stay away from them once they had entered the dining hall.

"Bomboniere, you know, they're the gifts the newly weds give us as a thank you present for coming to their wedding." Fay said as she opened her clutch again and pulled out a thick, fat white envelope that definitely had more in it than just a card.

"We get a gift for showing up at a wedding?" Paul eyed the small boxes with interest.

"Yeah, it's tradition. But don't get all excited. It's usually salt shakers or a candle holder or something we'll never use." Fay said with a small shrug of her shoulders as she carefully held the envelope in her left hand.

"What's in that?" It was Dwayne who asked the next question that they were all thinking.

"The boosta." Fay lowered her voice to a barely audible whisper when she said it. She glanced up at their blank faces and shook her head. "It's a wedding card with money in it. To pay for the individual plates as well as something extra to help out the bride and groom on their "new life" together. You four have seen _The Godfather_ you know what I'm talking about. Remember the wedding at the beginning of the movie when Luca Brasi, the fat mobster, kept trying to decide how much money he should put in the boosta? This is what it is. People who are closely related to the couple put in more and like most Italian families, everyone always tries to out-do each other. Which is why Italian weddings are so damn expensive to put on and to attend. Imagine having five weddings to go to in one year. I'd have to take a mortgage out on the house just to pay for going." Fay explained as she kept her eyes on the people in front of her while still keeping her voice low. "See that big white box on the table beside the cookies? That's the boosta box. All the envelopes go in there. God knows how much Maria is raking in tonight."

All five of them chuckled at Fay's comment and they waited for about another eight minutes before it was their turn to pay their respects and compliments to the newly weds. The entire exchange lasted about six seconds before they were ushered along down the bridal party line and a minute later they were standing off to the side with Fay holding onto four bomboniere because the men never held onto them. It was the woman's job to keep her eye on the thank you gifts and make sure no one stole them.

"Okay is it just me, or does anyone else feel like we're in a Francis Ford Coppola film?" Marko asked as he glanced at a group of men who walked right by them without looking at them.

"Why do you say that?" Fay asked as she tried to see what Marko was seeing.

"I hate to stereotype people and all, but Marko's right." Paul nodded as he watched the same group of men. There were older men, heavy set with the typical Italian features that to him screamed out gangster when in fact they were really construction company owners, electricians, lawyers and restaurant owners.

"Oh funny guys. This is what happens when you watch too many mafia movies. You think the way Italians are portrayed in those things are how all Italians are. You should know by know how untrue that is cause if it was, I wouldn't be a witch or live on my own or be talking to you for that matter because "good Italian girls" don't hang around bad boys." Fay snorted as she gave them a look. Marko gave her a sheepish smile and she nudged him with her hip to show she was joking.

"Okay enough gawking because pretty soon you'll be quoting Marlon Brando and then we'd all get shot cause you just don't do stuff like that at an Italian wedding unless your Italian or related to whoever you're talking to which none of you are." Fay said sagely as she nodded towards the closed doors in front of them. "Let's go into the lion's den and meet the rest of them in there."

"This ought to be good." David muttered under his breath and Fay actually nodded.

"Ohhhhhhh yeah." She sighed before she tilted her head up and squared her shoulders. They all looked at each other for a minute before they went to the doors and opened them and when they did, rich Italian music washed over them as the boys practically stopped and gawked at the sight that greeted them.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Heyo Sportsfans!**

**Yes indeed I finally managed to update this story. My Italian Wedding juices are flowing free nowadays thanks to the fact that Principessa (my sister) is in fact getting married and this is going to be the biggest mambo wedding this side of Little Italy. The Boys are up to their old tricks again with Fay's family's antics making them seem tame in comparison. How this thing is going to end I don't really know but I do know that it'll go out with a bang, or something being destroyed. Everybody mambo!**

**Happy Reading!**

_

* * *

_

_Hey mambo, mambo Italiano hey hey mambo mambo Italiano  
Go go go you mixed up Siciliano  
All you Calabrese do the mambo like-a crazy…_

"I thought you said we were going to a wedding." Marko swallowed as the sight that beheld them knocked the socks clean off their feet.

"This is a wedding." Fay whistled in awe as her eyes sparkled in the dim lighting that enveloped the massive dining hall and all of the people in it.

"No it's not Fay. This is the Oscars." Paul blinked once as the sight and sound of over six hundred impressively dressed figures filled his field of view. There were women. Everywhere. Good looking women wearing dresses that cost more than a month's worth of pot. Never mind the dresses, get a load of that jewelry!

"Dude, are those real?" He murmured to Dwayne out of the corner of his mouth as a woman waltzed past him in a haze of Channel perfume that burned a hole in his nasal cavity.

"The boob job or the diamonds?" Dwayne whispered back before he felt Fay's finely polished nails dig into his arm through the thick fabric of his suit jacket. "What?"

"People are listening." Fay hissed between her teeth while keeping a beaming smile plastered on her face. Fay knew Italians. She was one. And the thing to remember about Italians is that they have the ears of a fox. A pin could drop across a crowded room and instantly all heads would turn in that direction.

To prove her point the moment Fay and the Boys entered the dining hall heads turned to eye the new arrivals. It lasted a second and a second was all it took for people to judge whether or not they were with the bride or the groom or had the big bucks or were the outsider friends of the happy couple. It was clear to see that the four guys didn't have a drop of Italian blood in their veins so instantly they were pegged as "friends" but they would not be shunned. They weren't wearing rented suits thank god, thanks to Fay's careful planning.

"Yeah, well they can keep listening." David muttered darkly as he glared at two of Fay's second cousins that brushed past him in order to get to the bar. "And can someone tell me why there is a life-sized ice sculpture of the David by the buffet tables?"

"There is?" Fay asked as she held onto Dwayne's arm and stood on tip toe to see over the heads of a flock of women that blocked her view of the dance floor. Towering over the heads of a massive swarm of people that were gathered around five overloaded buffet tables that stood in the center of the large polished dance floor was the ice sculpture. A gentle glow from a hidden spotlight played off the frosted contours of its sculpted face and gave the life-sized statue an almost polished marble finish. It was an ice sculpture that would have done Michelangelo proud.

"That thing must have cost a fortune." A hint of awe was in Fay's voice as she took in the massive male statue in all of its manly glory. If there was one thing to be said of Michelangelo's David it's that the statue has one of the best rear ends know to man-kind. God, she wished she had brought her camera. That was a perfect Kodak moment.

A mischievous glint came to Paul's blue eyes as an idea suddenly came to him. "Hey Fay, wanna go lick the statue?"

Fay didn't even bat an eyelash as she slammed her pointed heel onto Paul's foot with as much force as she could muster.

"_Ahhhhhhhhhh! _Okay! Okay! I'll stop." Paul yelped when Fay's heel landed on the joint of his big toe. Ohhhhh that was going to sting for a bit.

David couldn't hold back a contemptuous snort at Paul's expense. Typical. He sighed and turned his attention back to scanning the vast sea of people to see if he could spot any of Fay's dearly beloved vampire-loathing aunts. It took him a few moments but he managed to pick out a few of Fay's female cousins lounging by the bandstand that was set up at the far end of the dance floor. Standing over a head and a half taller than the rest of the women was a figure that had a hairdo that would have made Motley Crue gag. There was only one person that that hair could belong to and much to his disgust, David groaned.

"Fay? Fay! You're here! Wait, what are they doing here?" A quiet voice asked from behind David. The Boys froze for a moment, convinced that the jig was up, before Fay let out a surprised squeal that made them all jump.

"Theo! Thank god you're here! Don't you look freaking sexy." Fay rattled a mile a minute as she kissed her cousin on both cheeks and then glanced over her shoulder. "Where is everyone?"

"Don't worry, they're all at tables 12-15 having a gossip session. Elvira's not here yet so they're trying to get the goods on everyone before she takes center stage." Theo grinned cheekily as she flicked back a stand of wayward hair. Out of all of Fay's cousins, Theo was the punkish down-to-earth one whose company the Boys could actually stand. Fay's other cousins, heh, not so much.

"Lookin' good Theo. Love those legs." Paul jeered as he nudged her with his hip. Instead of getting all huffy and puffy Theo just rolled her eyes and nudged him back with a well placed bump that made him stagger to the left.

"From you Paul, that's as polite as you're ever going to get so I'll say thanks." She smirked as she folded her arms over her chest and cocked an eyebrow. "But that still doesn't explain why you're here. Are you trying to get yourselves killed?"

"Ask Fay." David said, holding back a sour note as he reached out and easily snagged a glass of whiskey and rye off a tray that a waiter was carrying around to each cluster of wedding guests.

"Nice to see you too David. What? No mullet?" Theo asked and just smiled softly as David shot her a dirty look before he knocked back his drink. "Fay?"

"I didn't want to come alone and where one goes the others follow." Fay said with a shrug of her shoulders as she and her younger cousin exchanged a knowing look that the vampires missed completely because something else had caught their attention.

"Is this for real?" David asked as four sets of piercing eyes zeroed in on a sight that none of them had ever seen before. A fleet of waiters in white and black carefully manoeuvred what could only be described as the Eiffel Tower of wedding cakes towards the long head table. The thing had eight tiers and the smallest was the size of a punch bowl but that's not what had made them stop and take notice.

"What?" Fay asked as she followed their line of vision to see what the four vampires were staring at. "Oh wow."

"Yeah, I know. They had the Master Baker flown in from Venice to make it." Theo nodded when Marko gave her a look of utter disbelief. "The stupid thing cost more then the damn wedding dress if you can believe it. Not by much though. After all, monster wedding cakes covered in gold leaf aren't exactly the norm."

"Gold leaf? Is Maria crazy?" Fay exclaimed as she did an honest-to-God double take. Gold leafing an entire cake that no one would eat was just nuts. Beyond nuts. With the décor of the entire hall and the tables, the wedding must have cost more than a small fortune to put together and by the end of the night all of the facts and figures would be common knowledge once all the aunts got their claws into the gossip circles.

"Maria, no. Her mom, yeah. Al's parents were the ones who brought in the ice sculpture so Tanina went ahead and got the cake. You know how she hates to be out-done and it'll be years before anyone can out-do that cake at another wedding." Theo explained as she quickly ushered the group out of the way of a herd of older women that came trooping in through the entrance doors.

"Oh god. They're going to be paying this wedding off for the next twenty years." Fay shook her head as she undid her silk wrap and folded it over one arm.

"Ya think? Just wait and see who they brought in as the guest of honour." Theo snorted as they all looked at her. "Oh no. I'm not saying a thing. You'll just have to wait and find out like everyone else."

"_OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!_" A shrill high-pitched nasally shriek went out as talking head with really big hair charged in their direction.

"Oh no." Fay and David muttered in unison as the figure that David had spotted earlier suddenly descended upon the group like the angel of death with a dead badger on its head.

"_Oh. My. God. _You didn't. You did. No way. Just…no waaaaaaay. Omg! _Faaaaaayyyyyyy!_" Fay's second-cousin, the one and only Nunzia, squealed and squawked before she grabbed Fay and lifted her right off the ground in a monster hug.

"Hi Nunz." Fay managed to gasp before her cousin plopped her down and attacked Paul and Marko with a twin hug of doom.

"Oh my god. I can't believe you actually brought them! This is like _sooo_ amazing! Hiiiii boys! I'm _soooooooo_ happy you're here! Did you miss me? I missed you guys!" Nunzia squealed again as she planted a few more than friendly welcoming kisses on the two before she released them from her iron grip.

"Hey Nunz. Nice hair." Paul winced as he felt a few vertebrae in his neck realign themselves while a molested looking Marko tried to straighten out his clothes.

"Awwwww. Paul you're such a sweetheart. Do you like it? I just got it done. It took me _all day_." Nunzia preened as she carefully patted the outrageous up-do that added three feet to her already tall frame.

"I can believe it." Dwayne chuckled before Nunzia turned her sights on him.

"Dw_aaaaaa_yne. How are ya hon? How's that back of yours? Fay told me about that fall you took and I feel so, _so_ bad for you. Imagine that, a vampire with a bad back." Nunzia slowly shook her head and sucked her teeth. "Well I hope it's not affecting your "relationship" because like that would totally suck the big one, ya know? Not your big one. Ya know, the "big one." It's so sad. A vampire not being able to get it on in bed? Total tragedy."

As Nunz rambled on Dwayne gave Fay a look out of the corner of his eye and all Fay could do was bite her lower lip to keep herself from laughing hysterically.

"_Bad back?"_

"_It's a long story. Just be thankful she's not touching you."_

"_Ah."_

And for that he was thankful. They all knew just how much of a nymphomaniac Fay's first cousin was. That girl would grope and molest anything that moved if she could. Whoever said that men were the only sex hounds clearly had know idea that Nunzia existed. That girl made Paul look tame.

"And last but not least. _Day-_vid. How are you? C'mere you. C'mere." Nunzia smiled and flung out her arms before David could react.

"Get your hands _off me_!" David growled dangerously as Nunzia smothered him face first to her ample chest. Of course, Nunzia didn't listen and David was forced to pry himself out of her clingy grasp before she could shove her hands down the front his pants.

"Don't ever touch me again." He snarled darkly as his eyes flashed an inhuman colour. Paul and Marko quickly closed ranks on either side of him and Theo looked on in alarm fearing that people would soon realize that there was something really weird about the four wedding crashers. Nunzia however wasn't phased at all and she just threw up her hands in a way that made her chest bounce just a bit before she snared David with a teasing smile.

"Aww David. I just love it when you're all Mr. Grumpy Pants. You're _sooo_ cute when you throw a hissy fit." She giggled and batted her eyes at David before she turned around and brought her attention back to Fay and Theo, leaving David to stew in his own juices.

"I do not throw hissy fits!" David hissed but Paul and Marko grabbed his arms in order to hold him back from attacking Nunzia.

It wasn't for her protection because like all Primas, Nunzia was something out-of-the-ordinary and could hold her own against any creature of darkness. They did it to prevent a scene from happening because anyone would stop and take notice if a vampire was suddenly flung halfway across the dining hall.

"Okay girls. You're not going to believe this. Theo, do you remember Maria's older brother's girlfriend's first cousin Carlos? Yeah, he's like here and let me tell you, that man is my perfect match." Nunzia exclaimed with a dramatic wave of her hand and accidentally smacked Dwayne in the face. "Sorry Dwayne."

"It's all right." Dwayne winced and quickly snapped his nose back into shape before he took a step back just in case. Italians, they were dangerous when they started talking with their hands.

"Nunz, you don't mean Carlos…the…ya know. _Carlos_." Theo muttered under her breath so that no one aside from their little group could hear her. A devious smirk came to Nunzia's face as she tutted and grabbed Theo by the arm.

"Yes, _the_ Carlos. And let me tell you, that man is hung like a horse!" Nunzia giggled as she turned around and gave a little wave to one of the men standing around the bar.

"Which one is Carlos?" Fay whispered to Theo as she tried to figure out which one of the suits Nunz was waving at.

"That one." Theo replied as she subtly pointed out the small figure that turned around and waved back at Nunzia. Impeccably dressed in what looked to be an Armani suit and sporting a gold Rolex, Carlos was every inch the suave gentleman, all four feet and three inches of him.

"Who, the hobbit?" Paul blurted out as Nunzia blew Carlos a kiss. In a flash Nunzia whirled around and smacked Paul upside the head with enough force to rattle his brain.

"It's _Little Person_ you insensitive prick. What he lacks in height he makes up in other ways." Nunzia stated bluntly as she puckered her lips in order to smooth out her lipstick. "Oh, before I forget. The prochetta is gonna be gone in a minute so if I were you I'd get over to the antipasto table asap."

"Now?" Fay asked as Nunzia winked and took off towards the bar, dragging Theo behind her as she did so. Theo tried to wrestle her arm back but it was useless. Nunzia the a grip of an iron bear trap.

"Yeah, they're having it now and another one at midnight. With over 600 people, they have a lot of pig to serve." Theo tried to explain to Fay and the Boys before she lost the battle with a final tug from Nunzia that nearly yanked her off her feet. "See you guys later! We're at Table 32!"

"What table are we sitting at?" David demanded to know as soon as Nunzia and Theo were out of earshot. Knowing that he wouldn't leave her alone until he got an answer Fay opened her clutch purse and pulled out a small gilded card that had the number 32 neatly pressed into the thick parchment. "I'm leaving."

"Oh no you're not! Take it like a man David and suck it up. I'll sit beside her if I have to you and can sit on the other side of the table. I won't let her touch you again and if she does you can go outside and kick her ass." Fay growled as she snapped her purse shut and wove her arm through Dwayne's once more. Dwayne was smart enough to avert his gaze and keep his mouth shut as Fay and David locked eyes and glared at each other. It was an intense few seconds but seeing how there was no way out of this one, David uttered a low feral growl and wrenched himself away from Marko and Paul with a muttered oath. Without saying a word he headed straight for the bar and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Party pooper." Fay sniffed before she tossed her head up and squared her shoulders. Well so much for that. "Shall we?"

"Lead the way." Marko nodded. Fay grinned before she slipped her free arm through his and together the three of them headed over to the table with Paul trailing behind, eyeing all of the single and not so single ladies that moved from table to table unaware that he was checking them out.

Once they reached their table and settled down it took about two seconds before Marko and Paul began to have a mock lightsaber battle with the silverware. Fay eyed the centerpiece and tried to figure just how much the gaudy arrangement must have cost. Dwayne busied himself by keeping an eye on David who had managed wedged himself in a corner along the packed bar between a bunch of men who were having an animated discussion over Italian soccer and if the Team was going to win the World Cup. Serious stuff for sure.

"Guys, why don't you go check out the antipasto bar? I have a few relatives that I have to say hi to." Fay announced after a bread roll landed in her lap. They didn't have to be told twice and like rabbits Marko and Paul leapt to their feet and headed straight for the long line of waiting people. Instead of going to the back of the line, Marko and Paul cut in the middle while Dwayne wandered over to the bar to get himself a drink. David continued to brood in his corner while one of the bartenders lined up a line of whiskey shots for him.

"So do you think this stuff is better than Fay's?" Paul asked as they grabbed plates and eyed the waiting platters of goodness. Sure they couldn't digest any of it and in about a half an hour they were going to have to make a run for the bathroom in order to hork it all up, but food was food and deep down they were a twin pair of moochers even if they'd rather be sucking on someone's neck.

"Don't know but if it is, don't tell her." Marko murmured as he helped himself to an array of cold cuts and mushrooms of every variety. Paul by-passed the cold stuff and went straight for the prochetta and poached salmon. When he had piled on as much as his plate could hold, he grabbed a bunch of olives, popped one in his mouth and waited to get at the bread. There was nothing like a greasy pork sandwich to start off a night of feasting and boozing.

"Hey Marko, look at this." Paul motioned to the ice sculpture as Marko began to nibble on a hunk of cheese. He stared at what Paul was pointing at and almost choked on the cheese as he tried not to laugh. It would seem that whoever had sculpted David clearly had a thing for size.

"This is too funny." Paul grinned as he quickly looked over his shoulders to make sure that no one was looking.

"Don't! Dude are you crazy?" Marko couldn't believe what Paul had in mind. But it was Paul, it just couldn't be helped.

"I'm just helping the guy out." Paul chuckled as he quickly grew out a nail and reached over to do a little editing on David.

"What are you two doing?" Theo piped up behind them as she reached over to grab a bun. That girl had an odd knack of popping up unexpectedly. Paul quickly wrenched his hand back and as he did so his nail accidentally scraped across David's…err…family jewels and the next thing Paul knew he was holding a handful of sculpted ice.

"Ahhh duuuuuude…," Marko stammered as Paul stood there and stared at what he was holding. Oh man!

"Move over." Theo wriggled between the two in order to reach the tempting bun that was buried in the back of the pile. She gave Paul a small shove and accidentally knocked his hand away just as she reached the bread basket. Paul wasn't fast enough to catch the now slippery hunk of ice as it flew out of his hand and skidded across the polished surface of the dance floor only to come to a stop in front a group of old ladies who were carrying their plates piled high with food and chattering away like a flock of chickens.

"Oh no." Paul and Marko looked at each other and waited for the shoe to drop.

Like something out of a Looney Tunes cartoon, one of the old biddies stepped on the ice and her foot went flying out from under her. Up went the plate of food and like a pack of dominos the other ladies were pushed back into each other with the contents of their plates landing on their fancy and seriously over-priced clothes.

"Not good." Paul blink as Theo watched the small catastrophe with her jaw flapping in the breeze.

Frantic Italian words filled the air as people came rushing to the rescue, slipping on food because their patent leather shoes and spiked heels couldn't get a grip on the polished wooden floor. Others stopped what they were doing to watch what was unfolding on the dance floor and a few had the courage to laugh while the others looked at each other and snickered behind silk napkins.

"What did you do?" Theo looked at them with wide eyes before Fay flew across the now crowded dance floor and hissed those same words.

"What the hell did you two do now!" She glared up at them, knowing that somehow they were behind it all. Paul look at Marko, Marko look at Paul and then they both turned at the same time to look at the statue.

"_Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_" Fay gasped as she clamped her hands over her mouth and stared. Theo's jaw just dropped even lower as she saw what Paul's nails had done to the impressive ice statue.

"You castrated David! Oh _ma_done!" Fay's hands were a flutter as she quickly looked around to find the missing piece. "Where is it? Where is it!"

"Ummm…there?" Marko slowly pointed to the chunk of ice that one man was holding aloft and arguing with another man as they tried to figure out what happened. Since the old woman had handed on it the missing piece had broken off into a number of smaller pieces that made it impossible to put back together so the man had no idea what exactly he was holding.

"Oh my god! Get out of here! Go sit down! Sit!!!!" Fay shoved the two out of the way and grabbed Theo. "Quick, get me a leaf!"

"Leaf? Ahhh…," Theo looked on the floor, up at the ceiling and then over at the bowls of fresh lettuce. She moved like lightning as she grabbed a large green leaf and handed it to Fay who was already chewing away on a few wads of gum that she had brought along in her clutch purse in case of an emergency of some sort. Always be prepared, that was the motto of all Italian weddings.

"Will this work?" Theo muttered under her breath as she stood beside Fay in order to shield the damage from view.

Fay gave an unladylike snort before she spat the gum onto the leaf and spread it out a bit before sticking it to the statue in order to cover up the missing piece.

"There." Fay took one look at her handiwork before she and Theo quickly hurried away from the scene of the crime without anyone noticing what they had done. David sported a lettuce leaf instead of a fig leaf but hopefully no one would notice until later.

"Do you think…?" Theo started but Fay cut her off.

"We will never speak of this. Understand? Say nothing!" Fay slowed her pace and acted like nothing had happened as she headed back to the table to where Marko and Paul were sitting with their heads together. "What did I tell you before we got here?"

Paul looked up and quickly looked away as Fay speared him with the Look of Death. If she saw him laughing now she'd freak. "It was an accident Fay."

"An accident? Paul with you it is _never_ an accident." Fay growled as she reached over and gave him a sound smack across the back of his head.

"C'mon Fay. It was funny." Paul protested and quickly ducked out the way as Fay swung her hand up in a warning gesture.

"So help me if you do anything else tonight to ruin this wedding I'll be beating your ass black and blue. Capish?" Fay warned with as much dignity as she could muster while glaring down at the two of them who were the sole picture of innocence.

"C'mon Fay. I was there and if it was anyone's fault it's mine. Leave them alone and let's go pick over whatever's left because it'll be another hour before they start serving the food." Theo tugged on Fay's hand and at the mention of food Fay gave in. It was almost eight by her watch and the big sit-down portion of the wedding would not take place until nine at the earliest.

"Thank you." Marko mouthed to Theo as she steered Fay away from them and back towards the buffet spread that was quickly dwindling into nothingness.

"So how long do we have until the real food arrives?" Paul asked as he stuffed half of his bun into his mouth and downed it with a healthy shot of olive oil. Mmmmm extra virgin. Virgin never tasted so good.


End file.
